Whisper behind the window

A chain of comments..which I thought could be shared on a slightly larger platform..

Amitabh said...

things wont change unless you want them to ..and then again change for changes sake ..is well, a fart we have all smelt...There has to be an ultimate aim ..an awareness...what do you want to change and how do you want to change it. Do you want to revolt..well try it...revolutions only make good stories.
My point is this... Reacting to things and circumstances wont get you anywhere. We have to act.NOt react.

P.SThinking is a natrual process everybody does it. Its what you think that makes the difference. What are you thinking ??

8:02 PM

suvansh's domain said...

well ... i kind of agree to what amitabh said .. if u let us know what .. u really think .. we may togeather .. come to a solution and check out ..whether it balances most of our accountable equations or not..

10:05 PM

Siddhartha a.ka. MORIARTY said...

i dont think i am prepared for a revolution...i might dream about it but in the end its cold reality which plays the spoilsport...i think right now its all about what i want to do further in life...i hv chosen to become an engineer because i thought that i liked it...still do...at least i hope so...so far so good..its what i want to do after it...just go with the flow and become a clog in some company working ur ass off(cant help that either)...or do something more meaningful(read risky)....but its the rick which frightens me the most..what if i later realize the catch wasnt worth the bait??

12:30 AM

Siddhartha a.ka. MORIARTY said...

its been all over me lately...honestly...i have thought abt plans which i thought were rock solid...nothing could come in their way....still i think they are holdin off....but is that happines apparent or real??
that is the crux of the matter

12:49 AM

Raj Kanani said...

I like the idea -- we're looking for "evolution, not revolution". The difference to me is that in "revolution" the change is sudden, and may end up being for good or bad. "Evolution" is a change, but it's a slower, more natural process... and in its meaning, you are moving forward, progressing.

I, myself, have started becoming more aware of the subtler things in my life - I was at a "hi-fi" event, and we were eating food, chatting, etc. But, i felt discomfort... there were all these people around me that were working, cooking the food, serving the food, putting back the chairs, etc... doing physical work. And here I was standing, and chatting. And, most of us that were standing and chatting would think that our "mental activity" was more important than the worker's "physical activity". And, I thought.. I'm just a consumer, I don't produce anything.
At that moment, I looked for a friend to go help out with the work. I asked one person, he refused. Then, I asked Sameer.. and he came along with me. Basically, there was only one thing left to clean up... pick up and put in the van. So, I helped out.

However, the process started. I felt uncomfortable, and I was aware of this discomfort. That was step 1. Step 2 was being able to act on this discomfort (which I partly was able to do). Step 3, I think is being able to act right away and naturally whenever there is discomfort. Step 4 is creating situations and spaces, and planning for the future, where we rid ourselves of these discomforts, and live according to Understanding.

I've definitely oversimplified it. These steps don't always go in chronological order and can also be simaltaneous. Also, with different aspects of Reality/Truth, we may be at different stages. Already in our lives, we live according to many aspects of Truth. Also, there are many aspects which we have no awareness of.

Continual sharing, continual exploration, continual awareness, continual efforts to put 'understanding' into action... for me, this is my path.

4:07 PM

Amitabh said...

I agree with raj. Till late the feeling of discomfort would be apparent. Lets call it awareness. But awareness alone wont lead to anothing , its the application of that awareness in the terms of work and baehaviour that is important .And once I began applying myself to erase my discomfort, then the actual process began ...
Siddhartha feeling that cold life spoils the party is because of a lack of implementation. Try once ..in the smallest of things ..the pettiest of habits. Try to think it through and change it as an excercise...I think we realise how much control we have over our life..
And once that realisation seeps in , the process begins I think.
to put it into a nutshell ..I feel that this is philosiphy/school of thought etc..that works from micro to macro. From personal to social and then so on ..so to bring about a change in the larger order..we need to first understand and change our selves.

The 'Thinking Disease'

“Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing if you understand”

-Ana Nalick (Breathe)

It is really a Herculean task to pen down all the thoughts and questions raging through my mind right now. But it would be foolish to feign ignorance and let them create a pandemonium. So I will do what is best in such a situation – just go with the flow and write down whatever comes to my mind.

Due to my philosophical rejuvenation at SIDH, if I might call it so, a lot of preconditions have been shaken through and through. What is the biggest surprise is that I did not mean any of this to happen. I had always thought that I was comfortable with my conditioning and that would be the way things would probably be. But the seed planted has not only germinated but begun to grow. I really am questioning things that I thought I wanted to do.

So then, what is it that will help me attain contentment? What if I chuck away all my plans and set out in search for that eluding phantom, like the shepherd of ‘The Alchemist’? What if I find out that the things that I pursued with such determination were not really what I wanted? Would I be able to go back in time and at least be able the plans which would give me that ‘apparent happiness’?

These are just some of the questions that have been boggling me. Unless I am able to answer them, I’ll be like that man who tries to ride two boats at the same time and finally ends up in the water.

I have always been a tad bit strange. Imagining the world as an ideal place and being frighteningly conceited; all at the same time. I have been a chronic victim of the “Thinking Disease”. Hmmm…..I really do think too much. Maybe it’s because I don’t do anything. An empty mind is, after all, some kind of a workshop. The Devil may not own it all the time but someone has to, all the same.

So there’s the sum of things. I don’t expect things will change a lot. Not unless a bolt from the blue lights up that bulb somewhere inside. And till then, I will be ‘thinking’ a lot – looking for answers and finding newer problems in their stead.

To The Hour Bygone

They poured in through the gash in the wall;
The crimson rays of the dying sun.
And bathed my world in a strange hue,
Like drugs infiltrating my veins.

The air breezed about in strange fashion,
As if talking to the gusty trees.
The stars had just started to twinkle.
As if knowingly winking at me.

I lay sprawled on the floor;
Ogling at the strange reflections on the walls.
They clouded my being and my senses,
Like moon being hidden by rag like clouds.

I think about the future,
I think about the past.
That moment then was beautiful.
But in my naiveté I let it pass.

My present leaves me now wearied out.
I wander alone in this maze of questions.
And my troubled mind seeks its refuge;
Like a defeated soldier retreating home.

I turn to those soft hours now.
They shine on like smouldering cinders.
They shine on but never seem to flame out.
Like those shimmering stars who once winked.

That hour often glimmers afresh,
Lighting my shadowy path in ways unknown.
What is this miracle I wonder aloud!
I take a walk back into that world once known.

The dream of an insomniac.

That was the day they said that the big sleep began. It might have been the end or the beginning of a civilization. Through reason and logic, fear and punishment and threats and promises, they cajoled everyone into a deep sleep. The lullaby was a chant of progress and dreams, brewed into a potent solution of forty winks.
It may have been another century or another cosmos, but whatever had happened had passed on from star to star. And I heard about it last night from the lonely star outside my window. The story isn't a new one; he just said that it was a true story. ..

“What keeps you awake?” The star said, with one foot in my room and another in a distant galaxy. “Looking out for the ghosts in your room that may have escaped to the moon.”
I snickered “ A star that speaks. How weird? Tell me, what do you know of ghosts?”
“ Hmmm… I don’t know any ghost stories but I do know a strange one.”
“Ah, a strange story from a strange star. Tell me.”
"Well, this is the strange story of a strange strange land .The people were of a strange kind, with a strange king. They existed to take one breath after another. The insurance of that was life. Or so they believed." said the star..
" But is that what a life is? The insurance of existence..?"
" I don't have an answer to that. Infact, I don't have any answers at all. I only have a story.” The star sighed.." The king was a symbol .A gesture. Maybe a reminder of their last tribute to the wise. But he was only an echo of a time that was. An echo screeching towards oblivion .He had seen enough civilizations to know what the word meant. He was old, but not wise. In, fact his only real duty was to sit on the throne. It was a blissful existence rooted in ignorance. A piercing cry, heard once in many light years, broke the stillness. But that cry grew faint, consumed by the numbness of a million heads. "
"But one day, the cry grew to a scream and the scream to a wail and the wail to an anthem. It was the first revolution they said."
"Who said??"
" The stars .The stars said so. And the wave slipped past the palace walls and surrounded the king and his throne.
' Listen, my lord, and see what's around you. We are not like the past, for we are messengers of the future. Join us and the throne will be yours. Resist us..and the wave will take you with it.' "

" The King was only a gesture and gestures have no spine. He tugged on his great white beard and gave the wisest look he could. ‘You are my subjects, and the king is only a servant. What you say must be the will of the people. And it is my moral duty to obey. This throne, my crown and my will, is yours. Do as you shall with it.' He gave a thin smile and clutched his crown. The revolutionaries nodded and vanished.’ “

“ Yes, that was the day that big sleep began. “
“ They chuckled ‘ O king …you might have heard of people walking in their sleep, but have you seen anything like this? They will work, talk and walk in their sleep..and in their dreams they will think that they have thought. They will just turn over in their sleep and dream up an entire life … ooh have you seen anything like this?!!’
They called magicians from the land of deceit, and spun exquisite webs of illusion. Dreams so sweet that you would cry to dream again. Their lullaby, like the manna the populace so desperately needed. The magic was working. and the people slaved and lingered on in slumber.”

“If someone woke up, the magicians were beckoned again. With their magic wands and their ‘bewitching’ lullaby, all notions of space and time were destroyed. ‘Anything’ that defined reality was supplanted. Pictures of quick solutions were painted, like a dusty reproduction of the industrial revolution, feigning the texture of prosperity and happiness. And then they were sold. “

“The people snored away in synthetic ecstasy. “

“The days passed by in the shadow of dreams.’ One day they will come true.’ they would mumble. Their slumberous existence was seeped in the memories of the past and the hopes for the future. The pain of the present was tolerated with the chant “ This too shall pass”. This is what patience and perseverance had grown to mean: live a dream and forget reality. And with time lumbering on, what remained of reality actually was a mystery. A forgotten mystery.”

The star twinkled “ Then, he came. A witness to the land of slumber. The magicians moved around him like vultures, serenading him with their dust, their wands and their songs. But he walked on … the magic falling like a castle of cards. The magicians persisted like jilted lovers who hold on to their love like a favorite pair of jeans. It was after consistent failure that they pressed the panic button. They fled with their robes torn to shreds… to report this anomaly. They had to know more about the strange creature.

“But alas, no one knew anything about the stranger, or where he came from. He was only a journeyman, and journeymen have no identity, no destination, and no search. Like an arrow flying without a target. Free. Lost. ”

“He watched in horror as the bizarre spectacles around him unfolded. The world was surreal web of confusion. People spoke all at once, not caring if they were heard or not. It was the monologue paradise, he thought, with no one listening. The jumble of voices soon turned into a unified noise:

My son has just passed his exams, and now he must look for a job and earn a living. He must [make money]. The industrial revolution will make us all rich! So what if we must remove the forests to set up a factory ? Double your sales" punch line headlines. We will all be rich! I don’t want to stay in this village …I want to go to the city!! Yeh dil maange more LONG LIVE THE KING!!!With the advent of science, our life will change. Money…money...! I need more money!! I think, therefore IBM You don’t love me as much as the neighbor loves his wife…he even bought her a new jewelry set!. Made For Each Other.Daddy ..I want more...I want more…. Kill him...We will wage war on terror …Our future is very bright..Tomorrow there should be food in the house. Always Coca Cola…”


“ ‘What is this world that I have stumbled on..?”, the journeyman cried,” With people either sad or anxious. They either live in the past or the future, but what about today? Living in monetary amnesia, they skip this moment in the chain of time. But how is it a life if we don’t live in this moment.’ He saw hordes of people walking, with faces like an empty house. Apart from their appearances, nothing else suggested that they were humans. It was as if he were the only one alive in this land of talking mannequins.”

The star stopped .He looked around to see if there was anyone watching, and then whispered in my ears “ I think the journeyman is cursed. Cursed not to fall asleep. If he could only sleep, then the tussle in and around him would cease. Normalcy would be achieved. The anomaly wouldn’t exist. But ahhh…I wish it was a story I could have written. “ He went on “ The awareness that something was wrong didn’t allow the journeyman to sleep. He could see, couldn’t pretend to be blind, and couldn’t feign ignorance. He couldn’t even pretend that he was incapable. He had to act .He had to do something.”

“ Along the way he bumped into one of the sleepwalkers,’ Good afternoon. Lovely weather, isn’t it? Tell me, have you seen a land as peaceful as ours, as blissful? But hey ..didn’t I see you in the market ..screaming in an outrage… Why my good man? Are you jealous? Do people in your land not live in such peace?’”

“ This pushed the journeyman, already in contempt of the people, to the brink. Something in him broke away, maybe it was fear.’ You fool, this is not peace…its ignorance. A deep slumber.’ He thundered on, ‘I have come to wake you up... to make you see!! I am your savior!! Your savior!!’”

“ Huh ..wait a minute.” I said, “ He turned into a messiah? Just like that? A savior? Lonely star… this is a strange story!!”

“ Ahhh yes. It is a strange story, isn’t it? Someone who till a moment ago was only an unknown journeyman, was now the savior. Maybe he came in search of something that would amuse him. Maybe he was just bored with life...Ha, I even think that he always fancied himself as a hero..a savior. And today this common journeyman was shrieking at the top of his voice that he was their ‘savior’ ... eh, but this is what I was told.”

The star stopped to collect his breath …he was still chuckling when he said “ So the self-appointed savior went on his self-appointed mission to wake the people up...he would run up and down the streets shaking the dozing masses ‘ Wake up.‘ he would say ‘You called me, you called out my name and here I am to save you...your savior.’ ”

“ Perhaps delusion is the only curse of heroism. Or the only saving grace. Anyways, the savior went on, ‘Why do you act with such ignorance? What is this attachment to things gone or that have yet to come? Don’t you see that we can’t control either the past or the future. And yet you chase after them, losing sight of the only thing that is yours. The present. This moment. Now. The strongest link in the chain of time. Don’t you see how your blindness creates your misery? What is this illusion under whose fictitious grandeur you live? Wake up and seize the moment...this is your only real wealth, your only real wealth, your only true hope. The only dream that you can realize. Wake up..!!’ “

“ The disease spread like fire, waking millions of people up. This malady of consciousness was an epidemic of catastrophic proportions. The magicians were called for, what was at that point called ‘damage control ‘ .It was all fruitless though … the magic, the soothing songs of sleep, the pretty pictures of dreams. And soon, the entire populace was awake.

But what was unleashed with this awakening was nothing short of the demons inside the Pandora’s box. Some who woke up could not walk; the ones who could didn’t know where to go. There were many who ran around stark raving mad. People looted and killed. Chaos beamed a majestic smile. The king sighed. “

“And the journeyman just looked on. He only did what he thought was right… thinking that waking them up would be the end of their troubles. He wanted to give them freedom of choice … but to choose from what? ‘Freedom’, he went on ‘.. Is it a load so heavy that a normal man welts under its burden? Is happiness the price we pay for freedom? Today is a day to celebrate!! But then why does it look like the beginning of the great depression? Maybe because now they can’t hold the ‘other’ responsible for their misery. Today for the first time they see that they are responsible for their lives- and they writhe in pain for it.’ He felt a hollow pit growing in his stomach, like the beginnings of a panic attack. It was clear to him what would happen next… they would blame him. They had to. It was the easiest way out. Responsibility was so difficult to learn.”

“ He made up his mind to leave the town and went towards the highway. As he was crossing the highway intersection, the oldest and saddest woman in the world called out to him.’ Oh…you must be the savior that woke us up.. Ahhh good that I have found you now. You know when I was asleep it was so beautiful. I touched the tip of the earth and danced with the sun with the waterfalls gushing down on my throat.’ A frayed smile cut across the lines of her face ‘ We rode on the backs of butterflies…what beautiful butterflies they were.. ahhh..’ Her eyes had the momentary twinkle of the sunset ..but then darkness fell ’And now I wake up to this ..This sugar coated deluge of concrete and bricks. Where have all the butterflies gone? You will take me to them, won’t you savior.. tell me you’ll take me far-far away’”

“The journeyman sighed and told her that his only responsibility was to wake her up. He couldn’t show her the way. He was just a journeyman who knew no destination. Now that she was awake she could go on her own journey. The woman looked on helplessly. Her dreams were as real to her as the reality the journeyman spoke about. For in truth, who’s to say what’s real and what’s not. Struggling to hold back her tears she said, ‘But then why did you wake me up..? You must have had some reasons, a plan maybe.. Some sense of responsibility, when you took the comforts of my dreams away?’

‘ No, no.. ... My only purpose was to make you see. Now it is your life. Choose which way you’d want to go. Don’t depend on me. Don’t you want to be free? Free from all your illusions?’

‘ FREE!!! FREE FROM THE ILLUSIONS!! Do you know how old I am … the life that I have seen? My child, whatever those illusions are...they are MY illusions. What right did you have to take them away from me?!! How easily you say this after committing such an enormous mistake. Who’s to answer for all this pandemonium …all this pain.. Tell me..Tell me!’

‘You have to find your answers. I am not responsible for your misery. You are. People have to understand and accept their true nature. Their reality. Don’t be a coward and blame me for your blindness.. don’t run away from the truth...’

‘The truth ..ha, . that uproots all happiness and bliss from our existence. What happens to those who are stuck in the middle of a dream that they don’t want to leave and a reality, which they have to accept? This chaos is of your creation. . and you claim to have saved us..?? . What destination or path do you think these people seek? These images will haunt you for the rest of your life… the echo of our curse wont leave you.’ “

“This is a sad story you tell me, O star …the journeyman only did what he thought was right…he only wanted to change things?”

“Change things, eh.. You know, most of the times when we try and change things we end up making a bigger mess. We should leave things the way they are. Look at us stars, we have remained unchanged through aeons .’

“But if you feel that something is going wrong, you must act. I would’ve probably done the same thing … “

“ Done the same, eh … ??” The star said with a twinkle in his eyes “Is that the reason why you lie looking outside your window? Why sleep won’t come? A testimonial of all the unrest your will to change things has brought? Aren’t these the ghosts that have run away to the moon?”

“Me …hahaha no I am no messiah. The ghosts that haunt me .are not crying for a need to change things...I think there are no ghosts that haunt me. None on the moon at least!! Anyways.. go on...what happened to the messiah ??”

“ The messiah was crushed under the weight of the accusations. The remnants of a conscience didn’t let him rest in peace. Strange voices walked in the dark corridors of his mind ‘They don’t say for nothing that this world is an illusion ..You are responsible for us after waking us up. Show us the way or give our dreams back . .I was so happy...how dare you...How dare you..!!’ He tore into his hair and tried to drive the voices away …he said he was sorry… they could go to sleep now…he will go away . But the voices screeched back. ‘ You cant run like this forever. you have interrupted our sleep, our dreams, our life ..you wont be forgiven. You have to pay. You can’t run away.. either cure us or writhe with us in agony .You can’t run away ..we wont let you !!’

The birds began chirping outside. Dawn was about to break.

“ So was the Messiah captured and killed ..or did he just run away? What did the people do …and what of the magicians ..didn’t they strike back?? This story cant end like this.. look star ..the first rays of the sun are touching the horizon ..The end must be near. What happened next ?”

The star yawned, “ Be patient my child…this story does end and end soon .You ask me about the magicians…yes they did re-group. But they had no idea about the recent change of events. They had no idea that the journeyman was hiding from the very people that he had woken up. They still saw him as a threat. They went straight to the king and held him by his crown ,

‘ This must be your doing you stupid king ..didn’t we warn you ?! ‘

‘ Huh …umm warn me …warn me ..yes you did ..but what happened ..what did I do?’

‘You sent that stranger…you must’ve sent him to get control …to fight us. Render our magic useless..’ The King was shivering now , his old wrinkly hands unable to stay steady… his face was pale and in a fumbling voice he said…‘No..no..how could I do something like this .I am only a servant ..only a servant. There is no need to be unreasonable here ..I’m sure we can work this out… What has happened though.?’”

“The magicians told him about the stranger who could not be lulled to sleep , and had broken their charm and woken everyone up. The king scratched his beard and with a smile, said, ‘ The solution is simple . Kill him. ‘

‘ Shut up you senile old man…we cant have him killed !! He has woken everyone up , he has the support of the masses , we cant do something so foolish. If we kill him, all of us will be engulfed in the deluge of the public rage . Even your throne .’

‘ Oh…no,no,no..we cant kill him ..but then what do we do ??’

‘We had a suggestion My lord . Why not call this ‘messiah’ to the royal court .Treat him with utmost respect. Then we entice him with the lure of the throne. I say we crown him king. Then we don’t need to worry about the public outrage, and once he is the king.. he …he..he .my lord once he is on that throne, we can take care of him.’

‘This throne.. my throne. No..no..I will not give my crown away. No ..there must be some other way..?? Not my crown ..not my throne !!’
‘But , my king ..this is the only way. You must give the throne up ..its for the people…their dreams. You must serve them ..you must ..’ And the magicians threw the king away into the farthest tower. They say that his beard grew longer than Raphunzels hair and was always hanging out of the window. I wonder who he thought would rescue him. But this story is not the King’s. Its about the journeyman.”

“Meanwhile, the journeyman was hiding behind the tea stall on highway number 89. The magicians found him there and with tender courtesy and respect they invited him to come the Kings court. The journeyman, too tired to protest, simply followed. A band party was called and the procession made their way to the royal palace. The people snarled at the magician as he made his way, but with the magicians surrounding they wouldn’t dare make a move. On reaching the palace he was given a royal reception. ’We hear that you call yourself the messiah. That you have woken the entire populace…what a commendable achievement!!’ said the magicians, ‘ Kindly accept our hearty congratulations. All of us here have decided to decorate you for this honorable act. We have decided to make you the king.’ They put the crown on his head and put him on the throne. But what was this …the journeyman’s head slumped down…his arms went limp and he fell to the ground. The magicians stood there bewildered, and then they finally heard it. A snore. The snore.”
“ ‘The Messiah is asleep!! The Messiah is asleep!!’”

“Soon the world was in order again. The dreams were supplanted. Normal life was resumed. Each day was like the other, another chapter in the eternal book of forty winks. And he slept soundly on the throne… “

“That is the story my dear boy…the story of this strange land. Don’t ask me what it means or the moral. Stars don’t have opinions, only information.”
With this, the star melted away into the rising sun. I turned by back to the light and went to sleep.

When Silence Reigned Supreme

The mango leaves talked to one another in voices hushed.
I tried; but their thoughts I could not decipher.
But their slightest movement, even of those soiled and crushed.
It seemed they were thrilled with the utmost pleasure.

The cool wind jostled among the gusty trees.
Like a balm for my aching mind and senses.
They buzzed around in search of nectar; the bumble bees.
Breaking down between me and Nature, the age old fences.

The little girls played about, the seemed completely at home.
There was a smile on everyone’s face, my brow frowned in disbelief.
Cacophony of cities is like Hell. Pandemonium is free to roam.
Here, in the lap of nature, fancy soars high and breathes a sigh of relief.

In such an hour of bliss, when silence reigned supreme;
I work my way with words; in the realm of the unseen.

NOTE: I wrote a part of this poem while lying under the shade of a mango tree in Kandikhal. The remaining part was written while sitting on a hill top, beside a temple. This was my first attempt at writing a sonnet. I hope I do justice to it.

UNREALISTIC REALITY

When I went to SIDH, I had no clue about what to expect. But a day in the place and I felt at home. There's a certain tranquility about the place, maybe the hills, the peace and quite or simply the people. Everyone is so calm and warm at sidh that at times the goodness radiating from them seems unreal. Yet the beauty of it all is that everyone is SO genuine. After the flash n show of Delhi,its a heady relief!

I enjoyed the little work I did in the 10 days I had, the craft workshops with the school kids, the shram daan, cleaning the hillside of plastic with Tenzin...all in all, this trip has been quite an experience. I've to comprehend what made me feel so good about being at sidh. Was it the feeling of being at one with nature? Was it the students, vastly different from their bratty city counterparts? Or was it just the unrealistic reality of simply being yourself, doing something you enjoy for the sake of just doing it? Guess I'll keep coming back to SIDH to find the answer to that one

tk cr
chandni :D
(I guess most of you must be wondering who i am..wel i'm chandni singh, am just starting MSc in environmental studies in Delhi. I'm back after a short stay at sidh. I'v yet to attend a jeevan vidya shivir..but i mean to make that change soon!)

} what the bleep was i thinking :D {

The visit to SIDH and the Jeevan Vidya Shivir in particular have been one of the best things that could happen to me .. besides innumerous remembrances .. we gained something which would pave our way towards being one amongst the illuminati.
The Shivir, it was like… “wow, where was I before”... It was awesome, not because it made one happy, satisfied and in content with himself… rather I was left in a state of utter confusion and distress. Accompanied by a belief that following the new found path one day, I might be a little more closer, to my greater self realization.

Earlier never once did relationships, challenges or life situations ever bother me, but it was neither that I had a sound understanding of them. I was a firm believer and follower of the saying, “Ignorance is Bliss” and yes, I was in a state of bliss. “Door raho bache raho”. My “I ” had deemed everything it did to be correct and righteous and harmony at all six levels was the last thing it ever thought of.

Then the Shivir happened to fall by … and whatever that “I ” had thought was good was gone. Donno what to say…all that I conjectured from it was “all these days(19yrs) I had been slogging through the pages of my life”. Ignorance no longer seemed a bliss. As Sid had earlier said, the changes were subtle, but their consequences were apparently visible. All that I was left with was a desperate urge to be back in that state of bliss again, but this time, wouldn’t be as ignorant.

Back at home and well inside our comfort zones I tried to be as aware as I was there at SIDH .. sharing my experiences with friends seemed to be a good option…the very next day, I bombarded them with an hour long lecture on the “Natural Acceptance Process..NAP”..and they literally had a nap then ..It was more like a prescription to a patient .. than a proposal to an intellect. When I ended up,all were silent one amongst them said, “suvansh has gone eccentric” ..and yup..rather unwillingly I had to share a laughter with them... All I wanted to put forth is that, for me...the consequences of what I learnt back there and applied them in my life..ofcourse..as things surfaced out… have been a series of very mixed experiences.

To get things back on the road, it would be great if we have a dialogue or a brief(by the experienced likes of.. Raj, Shriram, Mridu di, Ankit..or anybody who feels concerned).. on how to judge that whether the work that we do(our carriers and all) is in harmony at all the six levels … or in short… the futility of work that we do or intend to do.

PS:…Sincerest apologies for writing this entry using too many ‘Is’ and ‘mys’ ..Suvansh’s I is not very good at it ..but as this was about him and by him, not much care could be taken in this respect.. plz ignore the spelling mistakes and the grammatical errors.

Thank you Amitabh … for that very provoking P.S …something I myself believe is true..and my long lost habit of blogging which had a reincarnation on this solemn platform.

Suvansh Lal
suvansh_lal@daiict.ac.in

A Reminder

To start is always a problem you know . Be it a write up or a dialogue . Maybe it’s the underlying intention of the act which makes it tough . And so ,perhaps , here is one lesson learnt .
With the camp over , I see this mail as a reminder to myself and others of what has just happened . It is so easy , I think , to get back to a ‘normal’ life and continue living in a comfortable world that we have etched out for ourselves . To carry on living the next day like the earlier one and then in a mundane fashion let things go on without realizing what is happening or what will happen . Are we so powerless ? And are the concepts of fate and destiny purely something to remind us of our lack of control over our own lives ?
At one level I think its purely about awareness . Being aware and conscious of the choices that we make . Put it simply , its about questioning and cross questioning . And from personal experience I can guarantee you that it is not easy . To completely question your own stand on- life and death and things in between- is tough . What’s worse is that we are in a state of constant struggle with what the general ‘ notion’ of things are . And so most of our life is spent in reacting or accepting blindly. Both prime acts of not thinking . Not understanding . Beliefs of what the ‘ other ‘ thinks are constantly thrown at me ..be it the beliefs of my parents , friends , well wishers ..and I have found myself often struggling for days at end to come up with something that can be termed as an understanding . To tell you the truth …I have more often than not taken a way out ..and just gone with the flow . Whereas what I needed to check was this flow . Till a while ago , I perceived this as some sort of failure . Where one part of me agreed with the general ideas of vidya , whereas in action I was doing completely the opposite . Just existing . Trying to evade the questions I had to answer . Trying to live .Or breathe maybe. Perhaps that was the struggle always going on inside me, between knowing whats right and doing the exact opposite . Actions based on ignorance , or rather a choice based on ignorance is an easy one ..for in truth it is hardly a choice . But its when you know , and you can see ..and you choose to be blind ..that’s tough .That was the source of most of my pain .
In the mindless chasm that sometimes takes the place of my mind …I figured out or rather retraced ..crucial moments of my life . Moments where I had to make a concrete decision …where the choice purely came down to what or how I felt . And it couldn’t be avoided . I had to choose . What did I do then ? I think …that’s how I understood the concept of natural acceptance . How something’s are naturally understood and accepted by us .Like, would you take disrespect for a long time ? No. Do you like being lied to ? No . Do you want to be happy? Yes. These things are natural , and I think , universal .
Then slowly , it began to unravel . I began to take in some basic things from the seemingly classroom atmosphere of vidya . I could relate to it . It began reminding me of myself . Of the good in me maybe . I understood the basic concepts of how all of us are essentially the same . How we are conditioned ..the difference between the body and I .
And then the search began . Maybe in a certain naïve sense I thought of it as a purely utopian concept, meant for those who believe in an ideal world . Those who believe that there is a solution to everything . That everything is related and it is within us to understand and realize that relation . Neither was it like most doctrines of religion which claim its belief in one vague ‘truth’ . Everything was clearly defined . And it was a matter of choice .MY CHOICE . It wasn’t something I had to do . Fear wasn’t an operative force anymore .
Slowly the enormity of what I faced dawned to me . The responsibility was HUGE . The patience and the energy required for it humongous.
This camp has in very set and certain terms opened a window for me . At a personal as well as a larger level. I see certain basic baggage that I was carrying . Basic angst and hurt from the past . And maybe I now see how that has conditioned me into who I am . To take away that conditioning is an arduous task . Because people have accepted us in a certain way . Its like a reference library built in their heads ..and they will keep on related to us through that reference . And so , through no fault of theirs , they re impose the preconditioning that we question . And so the task is uphill .
It is here that the camp is a help . For one week to be with people who are seekers like you . Who struggle like you . But who are otherwise unknown to you. For you , as well as them , it is a chance to leave the bag of preconditioning behind . To start anew . Even if its only for 7 days . To meet yourself . To see yourself . To see what you want to be . It’s almost like a celebration of sorts you know ..where each one of us is on his own personal discovery . And then , like right now , we go back . And then the test stares us into our face .
To be very honest , its much too early for me to call on an evaluation of where I am and what I have taken from the camp . I know I evolve , but evolve to what ..I still have to wait and see . I see a greater degree of awareness slip in . That’s about it .
I also see myself playing a larger role in a slightly larger unit . Which is also one of the purpose of this mail . During our talks in the hostels , we had all mutually consented to create a platform of expression and support . A platform where we could probably share our confusion and TOGETHER look for a solution . It was a somewhat idealized (web) community that we (or at least I ) had in mind . I would like to reiterate what the whole ethos of the idea was .
Most of us , or rather all of us operate under a set notion of things (or preconditioning’s) .A few are of our own maing but most of these have been passed on to us . By our parents , friends , teachers etc. I hope that we are that at certain points in our lives ,even we pass certain preconditioning’s to the other. Like a sister asking the other about when she’s going to get married is actually passing on a preconditioning to her . That of marriage.
I think its crucial we understand this and begin to take responsibility for it . The confusion that most young ( and a few old ) people find themselves has a direct relation with the preconditioning’s that they operate under . You see , these preconditionings are not something innate .They are something obtained . And so our first goal should be get a certain degree of clarity in our heads , a certain level of understanding so that we can impact the future in a much more positive way . We make the system , and if the only thing we are going to do about the' system' is to cringe and whine , then we have a whole history of cringing to learn from .
I feel that we can make an impact . Through trying to build a certain level of clarity in our selves , and then trying to share that , we can seek mutual growth and maybe look for a better tomorrow. A tomorrow where choices of how we want to live wont be dictated by the ‘system’ or parental pressure , but by what we want to do . And I think this is the first question we must address to ourselves. What do we want to do ? The answer isn’t something that should come in a day or sooner . Its an individual and organic process.
Hoping this finds all in good health .

Amitabh .



Another little thing I thought I might share . Most of us perceive life as an almost holy thing . Very personal and beyond the realm of sharing . We are not comfortable talking about our own lives out in the open , because it is our LIFE . And so a very hallowed feeling towards it . And when someone speaks to you about it in plain words and tells you that he has a solution , we take that with pinch of cynicism and whole lot of disbelief. I can very easily relate to such a feeling . But you see , its only when we start taking the words seriously do we realize the enormity of what is being said to us .Maybe then we move to a solution . Till the cynicism persists , it will only add to confusion and pain . It is only a proposal that I have laid forward . Analyze it at your own leisure

( This write-up was part of a joint email sent to all the participants of the recently concluded jeevan vidya camp . Its being posted here again in an effort to communicate in a more tangible way )

Hamlets Ahoy! - How We Came To At SIDH

My first really enriching experience of village life came about due to a part of my college curriculum; which went around by the name of ‘Rural Internship’. Our seniors had already warned us of the devil citing it as the hardest part of our four year engineering studies. So naturally all of us were quite curious and were already digging up details about it even when we were being ragged. There was mixed opinion about it. Some asked me to conjure up some NGO from the recesses of my wild imagination and cool my heels for the entire duration of 4 weeks while some asked me to enjoy this once in a lifetime opportunity. I initially decided to go with the former but as time passed and some sense was drilled into me, I chose the latter. I also learnt that the internship came as a part of a Semester I course known to all as ‘Approaches to Indian Society’. The primary aim of the internship was to give all of us an exposure to rural life in India. At the same time we could serve some small purpose in the work of the NGO we would be assigned. So far so good.


When we were nearing the end of Semester II, it was informed that the duration of the internship had been extended to 8 weeks. As can be expected, there was a huge hue and cry over it; resulting in the duration being slashed to 6 weeks. The administration would hear no more from us. So there we were. Thinking of some decent place where we could spend the next 6 weeks. Right now our main objective was to somehow manage to escape the blazing heat of the plains. Our savior came in the form of SIDH-Society for Integrated Development of Himalayas-a NGO situated right in the lap of the Himalayas in Uttaranchal. We gobbled up the opportunity and packed our bags for the mountains. We didn’t care about the kind of the work the NGO was involved in but from the website we came to know that its primary concern was education in the remote villages of Jaunpur, a district in Uttaranchal.


So that was all about how we came to be in SIDH. It’s not important what all we did there (though I will not say that the work done was insignificant). What is more important is what all we got to learn during our stay. And that is something that at leant I will cherish forever. It was not only a once in a lifetime experience for me but also a life changing one. Be it the realization that it is up to us to write the fortune of future India or all that was said during the week long JIVAN VIDYA camp towards the end of the camp. As I might have said earlier, a seed has been planted somewhere. When will it grow into a full fledged herb, shrub, bush or tree? This is one question even I am not in a position to answer. But it will someday. About that I am sure.


Now I might like to discuss a bit about the week long camp near the end of the stay. I had hardly imagined that it would be affecting my conscience in such subtle a manner. I thought that I was not paying attention. So you can very well imagine my surprise when later in the evening I found myself mulling over whatever was said. And to confess the truth, it was a blinding realization. So simple and yet so obscured. It is surely going to change the way I look at life in several subtle ways.


But that was not the only thing that has made me look back at that one week. During those seven days I came to know many other people who had come to attend the camp. There were from all walks of life and that might be the reason westrucka chord instantly. People so varied often tend to flock together. I will always remember the downhill treks with them to the neighboring village for a steaming cup of coffee or tea. Then there were the discussions about each other problems in life late into the night. But to top it all were the dance and singing performances by several of the youth brigade (not to mention I also joined in the fest).Ah! Those were the days. Well I guess that’s the story till now. When changes take place in the plot (for the better), I’ll make sure to let you know.