A Reminder

To start is always a problem you know . Be it a write up or a dialogue . Maybe it’s the underlying intention of the act which makes it tough . And so ,perhaps , here is one lesson learnt .
With the camp over , I see this mail as a reminder to myself and others of what has just happened . It is so easy , I think , to get back to a ‘normal’ life and continue living in a comfortable world that we have etched out for ourselves . To carry on living the next day like the earlier one and then in a mundane fashion let things go on without realizing what is happening or what will happen . Are we so powerless ? And are the concepts of fate and destiny purely something to remind us of our lack of control over our own lives ?
At one level I think its purely about awareness . Being aware and conscious of the choices that we make . Put it simply , its about questioning and cross questioning . And from personal experience I can guarantee you that it is not easy . To completely question your own stand on- life and death and things in between- is tough . What’s worse is that we are in a state of constant struggle with what the general ‘ notion’ of things are . And so most of our life is spent in reacting or accepting blindly. Both prime acts of not thinking . Not understanding . Beliefs of what the ‘ other ‘ thinks are constantly thrown at me ..be it the beliefs of my parents , friends , well wishers ..and I have found myself often struggling for days at end to come up with something that can be termed as an understanding . To tell you the truth …I have more often than not taken a way out ..and just gone with the flow . Whereas what I needed to check was this flow . Till a while ago , I perceived this as some sort of failure . Where one part of me agreed with the general ideas of vidya , whereas in action I was doing completely the opposite . Just existing . Trying to evade the questions I had to answer . Trying to live .Or breathe maybe. Perhaps that was the struggle always going on inside me, between knowing whats right and doing the exact opposite . Actions based on ignorance , or rather a choice based on ignorance is an easy one ..for in truth it is hardly a choice . But its when you know , and you can see ..and you choose to be blind ..that’s tough .That was the source of most of my pain .
In the mindless chasm that sometimes takes the place of my mind …I figured out or rather retraced ..crucial moments of my life . Moments where I had to make a concrete decision …where the choice purely came down to what or how I felt . And it couldn’t be avoided . I had to choose . What did I do then ? I think …that’s how I understood the concept of natural acceptance . How something’s are naturally understood and accepted by us .Like, would you take disrespect for a long time ? No. Do you like being lied to ? No . Do you want to be happy? Yes. These things are natural , and I think , universal .
Then slowly , it began to unravel . I began to take in some basic things from the seemingly classroom atmosphere of vidya . I could relate to it . It began reminding me of myself . Of the good in me maybe . I understood the basic concepts of how all of us are essentially the same . How we are conditioned ..the difference between the body and I .
And then the search began . Maybe in a certain naïve sense I thought of it as a purely utopian concept, meant for those who believe in an ideal world . Those who believe that there is a solution to everything . That everything is related and it is within us to understand and realize that relation . Neither was it like most doctrines of religion which claim its belief in one vague ‘truth’ . Everything was clearly defined . And it was a matter of choice .MY CHOICE . It wasn’t something I had to do . Fear wasn’t an operative force anymore .
Slowly the enormity of what I faced dawned to me . The responsibility was HUGE . The patience and the energy required for it humongous.
This camp has in very set and certain terms opened a window for me . At a personal as well as a larger level. I see certain basic baggage that I was carrying . Basic angst and hurt from the past . And maybe I now see how that has conditioned me into who I am . To take away that conditioning is an arduous task . Because people have accepted us in a certain way . Its like a reference library built in their heads ..and they will keep on related to us through that reference . And so , through no fault of theirs , they re impose the preconditioning that we question . And so the task is uphill .
It is here that the camp is a help . For one week to be with people who are seekers like you . Who struggle like you . But who are otherwise unknown to you. For you , as well as them , it is a chance to leave the bag of preconditioning behind . To start anew . Even if its only for 7 days . To meet yourself . To see yourself . To see what you want to be . It’s almost like a celebration of sorts you know ..where each one of us is on his own personal discovery . And then , like right now , we go back . And then the test stares us into our face .
To be very honest , its much too early for me to call on an evaluation of where I am and what I have taken from the camp . I know I evolve , but evolve to what ..I still have to wait and see . I see a greater degree of awareness slip in . That’s about it .
I also see myself playing a larger role in a slightly larger unit . Which is also one of the purpose of this mail . During our talks in the hostels , we had all mutually consented to create a platform of expression and support . A platform where we could probably share our confusion and TOGETHER look for a solution . It was a somewhat idealized (web) community that we (or at least I ) had in mind . I would like to reiterate what the whole ethos of the idea was .
Most of us , or rather all of us operate under a set notion of things (or preconditioning’s) .A few are of our own maing but most of these have been passed on to us . By our parents , friends , teachers etc. I hope that we are that at certain points in our lives ,even we pass certain preconditioning’s to the other. Like a sister asking the other about when she’s going to get married is actually passing on a preconditioning to her . That of marriage.
I think its crucial we understand this and begin to take responsibility for it . The confusion that most young ( and a few old ) people find themselves has a direct relation with the preconditioning’s that they operate under . You see , these preconditionings are not something innate .They are something obtained . And so our first goal should be get a certain degree of clarity in our heads , a certain level of understanding so that we can impact the future in a much more positive way . We make the system , and if the only thing we are going to do about the' system' is to cringe and whine , then we have a whole history of cringing to learn from .
I feel that we can make an impact . Through trying to build a certain level of clarity in our selves , and then trying to share that , we can seek mutual growth and maybe look for a better tomorrow. A tomorrow where choices of how we want to live wont be dictated by the ‘system’ or parental pressure , but by what we want to do . And I think this is the first question we must address to ourselves. What do we want to do ? The answer isn’t something that should come in a day or sooner . Its an individual and organic process.
Hoping this finds all in good health .

Amitabh .



Another little thing I thought I might share . Most of us perceive life as an almost holy thing . Very personal and beyond the realm of sharing . We are not comfortable talking about our own lives out in the open , because it is our LIFE . And so a very hallowed feeling towards it . And when someone speaks to you about it in plain words and tells you that he has a solution , we take that with pinch of cynicism and whole lot of disbelief. I can very easily relate to such a feeling . But you see , its only when we start taking the words seriously do we realize the enormity of what is being said to us .Maybe then we move to a solution . Till the cynicism persists , it will only add to confusion and pain . It is only a proposal that I have laid forward . Analyze it at your own leisure

( This write-up was part of a joint email sent to all the participants of the recently concluded jeevan vidya camp . Its being posted here again in an effort to communicate in a more tangible way )